So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
