Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
