Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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