i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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