my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
