I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
