Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
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