i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
