Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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