Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
