He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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