I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
