I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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