I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
