the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
the liver wants what the liver wants
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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