i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
