I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Randomize
