just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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