dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
