Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
