Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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