There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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