i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize