Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Randomize