WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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