Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
