The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
