Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Randomize
