I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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