onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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