so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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