NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
