yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
