I need to stop coming to work sober
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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