so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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