Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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