i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
