i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
