so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Randomize
