omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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