This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
