We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
