so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
