The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
