Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Randomize
