Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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