there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize