Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
