How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
