I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
