Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
