Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
