I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
