Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
