you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
