Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
