someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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