hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
