so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize