what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
