I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
