I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
