Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
so much tequila, so little girl.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
