He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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